i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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