Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
