I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
