I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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