PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
