She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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