I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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