Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
