The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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