dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
