He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
