who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There are leaves in my underwear?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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