I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
