Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
