somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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