Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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