Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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