dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
