she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
