using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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