you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
