She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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