I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
