my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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