I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we're so committed to being not committed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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