i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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