I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
