do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
