The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
