Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
