i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
