Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
