im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
