Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
