I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
