life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We had to coat check the pizza.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
