I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
