Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
