I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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