everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
