i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
