We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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