There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
