You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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