it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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