I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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