I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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