You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
