An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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