I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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