spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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